A land of what?

Always too dependent.

Always relying on one person to get me through.

Always watching that person fall away, consciously or otherwise.

Can't bear that. Need to get away. Need to run away.

I've never ran before. My legs are heavy. Don't really know if this is the direction I should go.

Maybe I shouldn't run.

Just keep moving.

Today, I talked to a counselor at school and I’ve had mixed feelings afterwards. First, there was disappointment. I found out that I wouldn’t be able to transfer from SCC until 2009. I could not discern to you how I felt about it the moment we were talking about it. I was twisting the words and facts and trying to find someway I can graduate sooner than that. I was thinking to myself that there must be some class I can take, some intersession I can do, *something* to get the classes that I need out of the way faster. There isn’t. I’m here til’ 2009.

As we spoke on the subject and classes more, my counselor was helpful and encouraging. I started to feel hope and drive. Yes, I may be here til’ 2009, but perhaps it’s for the better. One of the only routes I have to getting into Berkeley is through GPA and my GPA is *not* there as it stands. The extra year will give me time to inch my way closer to as high a GPA as I can get. I can get some extra classes that would help my admission into CAL as well. We have a plan laid out and all I have to do is apply myself and encourage myself into doing it. I want to put motivational signs on my wall. I want to put reminders that I can do this and that I can get this done. I can do this.

Yes, I’m disappointed. I want to be at UCB already. I need the change of pace. I need the new environment. I want to be in an apartment with roommates instead of family. I’ve got friends going to UCB that I want to go see as soon as possible and I want to graduate with them. It’s no matter though. I have my own path that I need to walk and I will walk that path to the best of my ability. I’ve had a lot of help through all this, a lot of encouragement and I’m starting to see what I’m going to need to do to get serious about this.

So don’t let me waiver. Don’t let me fall. I’ll hold on strong.

Don't hate me... Nobody deserves that.
Don't leave me... I don't want to be alone.
Don't ignore me... My words need to be heard.
Don't torture me... It hurts more than you know.

yeah.

Work. Work work. Work work and more work. It's neverending. I was basically told today that i'd be working throughout my summer. 9 hour days. 3 hours of class in the evening. So 12 hour days. wonderful. I was hoping for a break. oh well.

Heaven forbid that. So then what now? Cry to other people? No.. who would care? There's nothing they could do. Lots of people would be happy they have the opportunity to make so much money or whatever. Yeah I know I need it. I need my friends more right now. But. Where are they even?

I keep feeling like I toss my allegiance in with the wrong people. sigh. this isn't really the time for this conversation.

All I really want is to be made to feel better. No I can't do it on my own. I feel like this isn't worth it, even though I need it. Just to have someone comfort you and tell you that it'll be alright. They're gonna be there for you in the end. That this is just a small thing and there's gonna be someone there willing to do shit with me at a late hour after work. or just be there to keep me going. I know it's too much to ask apparently. I haven't been able to have that except one person.. and you know what? It was from a person that goes crazy obsessive over other people and that's not good either.

So i'll never be fulfilled. I'll never be sustained. Just keep trudging through. Wading on. Continuing --- defeat me. i'm supposed to keep going. I can't stop til it's over. unfortunately.

.. It's almost over. Half-way over. 19 more days.

May's almost over.

Another dream.

Inanimate objects came alive. It occurred because of something that my group and I had done.. I remember. They lit a switch. Things in the house came alive. I remember that.. she lived across the river.. high up. We all lived in these sky high apartments for some reason. I ran outside. I met up with her dad. I told him to call Nicole. Make sure she's alright. Something bad is about to happen. He called her.. she was fine. There was a silent peace in the air. He told her it was my birthday. He handed me the phone. I said hello. All hell broke loose after that.. and I lost her.

and all I could think about was trying to save her. but I woke up.

....

Who cares.

....

May is a horrible month.

The weather is changing. It's getting hot. People become cranky and stressed.

Every single year, around the month of may. Something bad happens.

Last time it was our breakup on my birthday. What this time? I don't think it could get worse. Could it?

It's an emotional night. The solitude is overwhelming.. my day's have been great. My night's are horrible. I do not miss her. I miss the things we shared. I miss sharing those with someone. That's the only thing I miss now.

Solitude.

WOOHOO LOOK A HAPPY BLOG.

I FINISHED MY HOMEWORK AND STUFF I'M REALLY HAPPY =D

Seriously though. This is really just my little place to go off and rant. Whenever i'm happy I really don't feel like blogging. So. Uh. Don't expect to ever see happy things here hahaha.

Blogs confuse me.

I wasn't going to post this. But I will anyways.

Yesterday I came home for a nap. I was so exausted I just needed to sleep after class at 7am. So I did. I slept the longest nap i've ever really taken in a long time, from around 8am to 12:30. I was late for class, I didn't want to wake up.

I dreamt. Vividly. Several dreams.. and each dream was only maybe 10 minutes long. I remember waking up from time to time to see the clock..and each dream was like a lifetime. They ranged wildly is all I can remember from them. Except one. The last one I had. It was her again. She was in my dreams, again. We were embraced. In a bathtub, strangely. But fully clothed. It was comfortable. We lied there. Speaking words that seemed forgiving and understanding. That was all it was. Other things happened i'm sure. I didn't want to wake up.. that might be why I slept so long; Though when I woke up, I had to convince myself that it wasn't real, again.. and it's such a depressing feeling.

So. Question. What the hell is with dreams huh? Why do we have them? Honestly i'm really over her. I really feel like I am. I don't think about it much. I'm generally really happy with my life. Yeah, occasionally something will make me think of her or the times and such.. but it's nothing earth shattering I'm fine. So why, as scarce as it is.. am I still dreaming about her? Shouldn't that have left too? Do I still love her or something? or want her back? I would say of course I still love her.. Romantic by heart, though i've been practicing the realistic nature of things and trying to ignore that.. of course I still love her. I just try to deny it so I can get over her.. and I think I did. Maybe those dreams are just the lingering memory.. maybe i'll never forget. I probably never will..

..and actually. I hope I never do. They're worth hanging on to. I really did love her you know? .. and inside. I hope I always do.

~